Sunday, March 6, 2011

Wait for it...wait for it...

Yes, it's me...returning to the blogosphere after a long, unintentional  hiatus.   I find myself missing the cathartic release that comes with pounding out my thoughts on the keyboard, as random as they sometimes are.

Much has gone on since my last post in November (November, really??), but nothing so noteworthy that I need to back step and write about it.

Except for one thing.

One slightly big thing.

Okay, one really big thing.

Roy moved out of our home on February 1st.   We decided to separate as the arguments between us were becoming constant and it was putting our home and kids in a toxic place.   I am filing for a legal separation this week, and after some time, we will decide if we want to finalize it as a divorce.   My heart is heavy and I am torn though.  18 years with the same man.  My WHOLE adult life. Six children. Love. Companionship. Family.  We have many bonds that I am finding hurt like hell nothing else I've ever experienced, save for the grief that came with losing my big brother. Yes, it feels like grief.   But, as some wise woman told me (thanks Mom!)  "it is better for the kids to come from a broken home than to live  in one".

So true, oh wise one. (And Mom, notice I did not say old wise one :)

Even though we don't live in the same house, we still share six beautiful, wonderful children.  We are still a family.   Roy didn't abandon us, he didn't disappear.   Even though I am officially a 'single mom', I am thankful that I don't have the additional burden of having to go back to work to support the kids and myself financially.  I am thankful that Roy works 2 jobs to support us the best he can.

I have to admit, at first, I was full of anger. Full of animosity. Full of bitterness and resent.  Mostly over the fact that Roy doesn't have the "harder" job of caring for six children and being on duty from sun up to sun up. (in other words, 24/7).  I was angry with him for being able to go to work, then go to his home and not have any responsibilities  there other than to take care of just one.   Himself.   Now, though, after 5 weeks of being apart, I have come to realize that he hurts too.  He is lonely.  He misses his kids.  He is stressed too.

Yes, some of those feelings of anger and resent are still there, mostly because this isn't the way I wanted my life and the life of my family to turn out.  But, for now, it is what it is, and I (we ) will make the best of it.   There is more peace in the house without the toxicity between Roy and much peace as there can be with 4 boys and 2 girls...I suppose it's all relative.

I am trying, with a lot of help from my friends and family (and to be honest, a therapist and medication too) to be the best I can be as ME.  Not just "single mom me", but ME.

I am counting down the days until little Faith and I leave on a jet plane to fly to sunny (hopefully) California to meet up with some friends with 47 chromosomes too.   March 18th can't get here soon enough!

Now, what would a blog post be without a picture of my princess?


  1. First of all, welcome back to blogland! I know you are on FB, but my time there is hit and miss.

    Second of all, you are going to have a wonderful time meeting Ella. And I'm very jealous, even though we have met her.

    Third, lots and lots of hugs. I'm sorry that you are Roy are seperated. I know that this is a hard situation, but I think you do have a very wise mom! I wish you the very best as you all continue to get used to your new situation.

  2. Many hugs from Cali and I CANNOT wait to give you one in person.....only 11 more days :) I totally get what you are saying about the lonliness that Roy must be feeling...I have often imagined it with my divorced friends that are living without seeing their kids regularly...that just breaks my heart. I just pray that you guys will be able to always keep thing amicable as it really will be best for the kids. Absolutely adorable picture of it!!! See you soon!!

  3. i have been m.i.a. from blogland quite a bit too and just now saw this post - i am so sorry to hear all that you have been going through with your husband. thinking of you and sending hugs!!!!
    also - i just read about faith's neutrophils... i am hopeful that they will continue to go up and she will stay HEALTHY!!!!!